(no subject)

So the school called me back today to make a formal offer, although they were, if anything, more vague on my actual responsibilities than before. The post for the position had specifically mentioned collaborating with a nearby research institution on teaching development, but it was clear that this was news to them. I really don't have any way of saying to them, "what exactly do I do with this once I leave?" I feel sort of sick inside, because in truth I think I do not really want to do it, but I am not sure how to back out now... I'd feel like I screwed them over or something... Frig.

If only I had one single solitary academic lead right now. Penn State hasn't called back.

Agonizing

So I called up my grad school advisors. Predictably, they split over whether or not the words "high school" were a black mark on the C.V. The younger advisor, who I think is a little more cognizant of the job market, told me that the fellowship status would make it worthwhile. My main advisor, on the other hand, said it was really Not a Good Thing.

It was a somewhat uncomfortable conversation because I had to also explain that I have gotten just about nada this year academic job-wise. The implication is that I was not well prepared for the jobs that were actually out there. Also, from the perspective of the reasons schools fund a graduate training, it is kind of like I was a "waste" of their resources. My advisor told me not to give up, but on some level this is depressing for everyone involved. Of course, to not take the fellowship because I imagine myself getting an academic job implies that I'm not giving up, but that is the most feeble of actions.

Jeevus, this is uncomfortable.