![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sanpaku_backupMy head is still ringing. I had fully intended to write tonight about why exactly I feel it incumbent upon me to recover the deposit from my landlord. But on the way to the movies I was stopped to merge into traffic when I'm looking in the mirror and thinking "that guy is coming up kind of fast--" and WHAM right the hell into us. Just shaken up, no one hurt except the poor car, but as anyone who's been in such a thing knows it's pretty disturbing. I could barely write the insurance info down because I was freaked out, but I guess I did keep my head. I'm glad the dog wasn't in the car-- that's what I kept thinking.
That and the fact that I've been saying for weeks that we would not get out of this city without being in an accident, and damn if I wasn't right.
The slow reality is dawning on me. I hate this place. Virtually everything unexpected that has happened here has been bad. I begin to think that the city is trying to rob me and kill me and will not let me go. It is not Boston's fault (well, the bad drivers, maybe), but I feel like things are just not right here.
Other thoughts while I've lived here:
-- I will be hit by a car in the insane traffic pattern that I go through as I walk from the T station to work.
-- We will be hit when we are driving to the T stop in the morning or the afternoon.
-- My new landlady will come over and evict us (OK, that's Mrs. Sanpaku's fear, not mine).
-- Our landlady will find a way to countersue us and make us regret fighting the deposit issue.
-- I am tired of getting collection agency notices and bounced checks, even if that is probably only a temporary condition.
-- The other cat will follow the first and just die for no reason (1st one didn't move well and just died one day).
-- I will lose my job when my dot-com company folds as all dot-com companies will.
-- I will be fired when my boss realizes I do not know what I am doing. (A fear that has receded somewhat perhaps.)
-- The country and the world have gone to hell since we moved here, a fact that I must have had something to do with.
Get the picture? The neurotic life times ten.
I can still feel the impact on my head. I hope I wake up tomorrow. I hope I wake up without whiplash or any of that too. Man, it's a freaky feeling.
That and the fact that I've been saying for weeks that we would not get out of this city without being in an accident, and damn if I wasn't right.
The slow reality is dawning on me. I hate this place. Virtually everything unexpected that has happened here has been bad. I begin to think that the city is trying to rob me and kill me and will not let me go. It is not Boston's fault (well, the bad drivers, maybe), but I feel like things are just not right here.
Other thoughts while I've lived here:
-- I will be hit by a car in the insane traffic pattern that I go through as I walk from the T station to work.
-- We will be hit when we are driving to the T stop in the morning or the afternoon.
-- My new landlady will come over and evict us (OK, that's Mrs. Sanpaku's fear, not mine).
-- Our landlady will find a way to countersue us and make us regret fighting the deposit issue.
-- I am tired of getting collection agency notices and bounced checks, even if that is probably only a temporary condition.
-- The other cat will follow the first and just die for no reason (1st one didn't move well and just died one day).
-- I will lose my job when my dot-com company folds as all dot-com companies will.
-- I will be fired when my boss realizes I do not know what I am doing. (A fear that has receded somewhat perhaps.)
-- The country and the world have gone to hell since we moved here, a fact that I must have had something to do with.
Get the picture? The neurotic life times ten.
I can still feel the impact on my head. I hope I wake up tomorrow. I hope I wake up without whiplash or any of that too. Man, it's a freaky feeling.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Ouch
Date: 2000-10-25 02:24 am (UTC)What movie were you going to see?
When somoeone issues the phrase, "You are not in a good place," it is usually sort of allegorical. In your case, it is literal. It sounds to me like you are trapped back in High School now. There are enemies all around you, but at least they are real enemies. You have identifiable and surmountable obstacles. Neurosis times ten sounds like a pretty good definition for being in a war. And that is the situation you are in.
Let's look at the facts:
1) You feel, for good reason, that your life and the lives of those you love are in danger.
2) Your economic situation is dire.
3) The national situation is morose.
This is like being in a war. You feel like you are in a war, but you must act like you aren't. Your tension arises from the disparities between how you feel and how you are expected to act. I can picture you, pacing along thinking, "Don't you people see what's going on?"
We need a change, but nothing is going to happen until we get mad. Until we realize how angry we are. So I want you to do something. I want you to stand up. I want you to yell, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"