moping, please just ignore
Mar. 6th, 2002 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sanpaku_backupSo, I sort of lost the job lotto again... They will have me around for a while, but no full-time permanent jobs in this year's budget, so it's this indefinite contract for the forseeable future. Not bad, but not what I'd hoped, I have to admit.
What's that line in Office Space, something like they talk about a guy who has a heart attack from 20 years of stress on the job, and all they can say is, "I wish I had that kind of job security!" That's how I feel.
I feel that every time I've started to get used to a job in the past 5 years or so, there have been immediate reminders that what I'm doing is provisional. At DLI, I was just starting to become accustomed to what I was doing there when there was a massive round of layoffs and the clear sense that the company would not last. And so my turn came soon enough.
And fuck, is it really so much to ask for health insurance? COBRA's only got another year left on it. It is so damn expensive, too.
Also, I am so ready to stop every other piecework job I have in my off-hours right now. I I am working from 8am until, well, now, and weekends too. It is insane, but I am so reluctant to part with paying work since I don't know what is going to pan out. At least a good chunk of it should go away in May. But should I keep looking for other things? I don't know. Every time I have been on the verge of dropping, say, the journal copyediting, some reminder has come in that money is good to have, and it might not be around again some day, so work while you can.
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Part of why I didn't feel like writing over the past couple of weeks is that the whole Jersey thing brought up all those "what are you doing with your life" questions (things that everyone who reads this has heard from me a million times anyway), which bring out a deep existential despair in me. I was talking to a friend who sensed this, and she was like, "wait, I'm not going to feel sad for you. You're trying to decide between a fellowship at a school, and a well-paying, probably long-term job. What's to be sad about?" This is entirely true.
But my point is that a lot of people I talked to about it came back sooner or later to, "well, regardless of how it looks on your c.v., what would you be doing right now if you had the choice?" The problem is that I am so far from thinking about that, just trying to answer makes me nauseous. First there was academia, which is going absolutely nowhere. Then being unemployed and discovering that I had very few marketable job skills. Once you get to that point, your definition of "what do I want to do with my life" becomes "whatever some idiot wants to pay me to do, that's what." There's really almost no point in looking at the bigger picture.
Anyway, I am way too stressed out and so decided not to go to Pittsburgh next week. Mrs. Sanpaku isn't feeling well; also I realized that I'd have to spend the whole time there working and grading papers. I'd have to worry about having left stuff here or at school or whatever. So it will make a lot more sense to go in May when finals are done etc.
I really need a break, though. Much sleep next week, I hope.
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Also sort of down because I don't know how this will all impact the whole Providence thing. Somehow I had this picture of everything being settled for a year or two and making a long-term plan. Actually, it still makes sense to move to Providence, because it would save hundreds of dollars in rent. Still, it's just something about things being unsettled and all of one's efforts being channeled toward maintaining control of what can be controlled, like where you live and whatnot.
I am too tired to be coherent anymore, which is just as well.
What's that line in Office Space, something like they talk about a guy who has a heart attack from 20 years of stress on the job, and all they can say is, "I wish I had that kind of job security!" That's how I feel.
I feel that every time I've started to get used to a job in the past 5 years or so, there have been immediate reminders that what I'm doing is provisional. At DLI, I was just starting to become accustomed to what I was doing there when there was a massive round of layoffs and the clear sense that the company would not last. And so my turn came soon enough.
And fuck, is it really so much to ask for health insurance? COBRA's only got another year left on it. It is so damn expensive, too.
Also, I am so ready to stop every other piecework job I have in my off-hours right now. I I am working from 8am until, well, now, and weekends too. It is insane, but I am so reluctant to part with paying work since I don't know what is going to pan out. At least a good chunk of it should go away in May. But should I keep looking for other things? I don't know. Every time I have been on the verge of dropping, say, the journal copyediting, some reminder has come in that money is good to have, and it might not be around again some day, so work while you can.
*************************
Part of why I didn't feel like writing over the past couple of weeks is that the whole Jersey thing brought up all those "what are you doing with your life" questions (things that everyone who reads this has heard from me a million times anyway), which bring out a deep existential despair in me. I was talking to a friend who sensed this, and she was like, "wait, I'm not going to feel sad for you. You're trying to decide between a fellowship at a school, and a well-paying, probably long-term job. What's to be sad about?" This is entirely true.
But my point is that a lot of people I talked to about it came back sooner or later to, "well, regardless of how it looks on your c.v., what would you be doing right now if you had the choice?" The problem is that I am so far from thinking about that, just trying to answer makes me nauseous. First there was academia, which is going absolutely nowhere. Then being unemployed and discovering that I had very few marketable job skills. Once you get to that point, your definition of "what do I want to do with my life" becomes "whatever some idiot wants to pay me to do, that's what." There's really almost no point in looking at the bigger picture.
Anyway, I am way too stressed out and so decided not to go to Pittsburgh next week. Mrs. Sanpaku isn't feeling well; also I realized that I'd have to spend the whole time there working and grading papers. I'd have to worry about having left stuff here or at school or whatever. So it will make a lot more sense to go in May when finals are done etc.
I really need a break, though. Much sleep next week, I hope.
*************************
Also sort of down because I don't know how this will all impact the whole Providence thing. Somehow I had this picture of everything being settled for a year or two and making a long-term plan. Actually, it still makes sense to move to Providence, because it would save hundreds of dollars in rent. Still, it's just something about things being unsettled and all of one's efforts being channeled toward maintaining control of what can be controlled, like where you live and whatnot.
I am too tired to be coherent anymore, which is just as well.
Existential despair? We're all in there with you on that one.
Date: 2002-04-07 05:03 am (UTC)Or contribute mightily to the world at large, in a lasting way?
It's small, I'd bet. So what does that say about our progress as
a civilization? Perhaps we've advanced so far that jobs have
to become ever more compartmentalized, and thereby unhappy. A
renaissance man or woman today would be someone who
knows only a little about a lot of things, because so much
has been discovered and talked over already. Then again,
every age has thought that 'there is nothing new under the
sun.' Perhaps the difficult point is reconciling (a) I'm
not the genius I thought I was (at least, not yet) and (b)
why does my life matter, really? Besides it's benefit
to myself and those I'm lucky enough to love. Right? Eating,
shelter and a first-world standard of living are fine and
dandy, and we should be thankful for them, but then what?